Regret & Pretend
by Katseester
Summary: One was regretting, the other pretending, as their friendship was at stake from a rash decision and a cold reply. And still everyone was oblivious. KibaShino, shonen ai, rated for the slight angstyness of it all.


**Hah...no, I'm not dead. I've just had a terrible writer's block ever since the summer. And yes, it's a terrible excuse, but it's the truth. But I _did_ manage to update my profile so it's not so long anymore. Yes, I know I'm pathetic, so please let's leave those comments out.**

**Well, just recently (about a few months ago. In the summer) I discovered the wonderful world of boylove. Yes, you heard me right. You could call it shonen ai. But I will always call it boylove, just because over msn I typed in "I love BL!!!" to my friend, and she thought I typed "BJ" instead. Such interesting conversations.**

**But, this story just _happens_ to be boylove, shonen ai, whatever you wanna call it. So, if you're homophobic (in which I was until those few months ago), don't like this pairing, think I'm a crappy writer and just want to read it to flame me, you might want to leave. Even though its not very boylovish at the moment. I'm still getting there.**

**But honestly people, if you _are _here just to insult me or whatever, I would suggest that you leave. I really don't feel like sorting thorugh flames at the moment.**

**Moving on. Just a little note so you guys don't read it and go "wha...?"**

**This is a songfic. Yes, my first one. I am very proud of it. I used the song 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. So, whenever it's Damien's line, it's in bold. Whenever it's Lisa's line, it's in italics. Whenever it's _both_ their line, it's in bold italics. If there's words in brackets, that means that it's overlapping. Pretty simple. Although you probably don't care and will just skim right over the song. But I _would_ recommend that you listen to it. It's really nice.**

**Anyways, it's melancholy, it's angsty (sorta), you might find it boring, but whatever. I had fun writing it. And yes, it's KibaShino. Based after the timeskip. Of course.**

**Kay, well, I'm gonna stop boring you with my ridiculously long monologue, and you can get on to reading the melancholy, angsty (sorta), cheesy, KibaShinoness of this. Have fun.**

**I don't own anything. Such a sad life I live.**

**

* * *

****Regret & Pretend**

**Kiba**

The heavy rain filled the entire village with its soft sound, a not-so-quiet pitter-patter just below the regular rush of people. The centre of the village was alive and bustling with shinobi, kunoichi, salespersons, despite the pouring rain. Some were happily chatting with each other, safe from the downpour under umbrellas or newspapers, whilst more of the unlucky ones ran for cover, pulling the collars of their coats up over their head, rushing to the safety of awnings or restaurants.

But just near the edge of the village, in one of the more secluded walkways, a boy the age of sixteen sat in the deserted road, on a hard concrete bench indented slightly into the stone wall surrounding the narrow road. He was a miserable sight to see, painted with the fingers of the rain, his brown hair limp and plastered to his head, his leather jacket collecting pools of rainwater in the creases, sitting in "the manly position", as his sensei, Kurenai would say. The middle of his forearms rested just above his knees, hands dangling uselessly between his partly spreaded legs, palms inches from touching his inner thighs, his back hunched and his head down.

_Leave me out with the waste,  
__This is not what I do.  
__It's the wrong kind of place  
__To be thinking of you.  
__It's the wrong time,  
__For somebody knew.  
__It's a small crime,  
__And I've got no excuse…_

He regretted everything at the moment. He regretted his rash decisions, he regretted not being able to be calm, he regretted his friendships with his teammates, especially a certain bug lover…and he most definitely regretted telling him that he had even the remotest feelings for him. Hell, he even regretted life, and felt sick to the stomach even thinking about his stupid instincts, his stupid decisions, and his stupid, stupid…stupidity.

The soft padding of sandals caught his attention, and his head snapped up, arms rising from their resting position on his legs. He whipped his head around, so he was looking left, and he regretted that instantly too.

Because, walking slowly and purposefully in his direction, was none other than Aburame Shino, the object of his distress. He cursed his stupid luck.

Yet, despite his discomfort, despite his awkward feelings, despite his self-disgust, he could not tear his eyes from the person who was Shino. He tried, as hard as he could. And Shino kept on coming, not stopping, not slowing, not sparing any glances towards anything but the road in front of him.

After what seemed like an eternity, Shino drew level with him, still walking in that slow pace of his, his hands in his pockets, half of his face hidden by that ridiculously high collar, his eyes hidden by the glasses he rarely took off. If he looked close enough, he could _almost_ see past the dark material covering Shino's eyes, and he could count the raindrops that stealthily made their way onto his unprotected cheekbones.

But no. He wouldn't dare look at Shino like that. Ever. He would cut out his tongue and bash his head against a wall until he fell unconscious before he _ever_ looked at Shino like that.

The gods hated him, surely.

He found himself fascinated, even though ¾ of Shino's face was covered, and could not help but stare, unaware that his mouth was slightly open, and that his eyes held a longing that he couldn't bear.

And yet, as he stared at Shino to his heart's content, memorized his face in those few seconds, the Aburame didn't even acknowledge his existence, not a movement to show he knew who was there, not a turn of the head.

And as Shino passed by without a word, Kiba raised his right hand a little, the other now resting on the wet bench, and he leaned forward, although he had no intentions of talking. And even so, even with his intentions of keeping silent, a strangled sort of whimper broke free form his throat and was drowned quickly in the pitter-patter of the rain, a whimper that could have been mistaken for Shino's name. And as Shino passed by, sure not to have heard that strange noise, he could have sworn that he saw his eyes flicker towards him for a moment through that dark material that hid his vision from the world.

But he kept passing by. Pretended that the other wasn't there, it would seem.

_Is that alright? Yeah…  
__Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
__Is that alright? Yeah…  
__If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?  
__Is that alright? Yeah…  
__Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
__Is that alright? Yeah…  
__With you?…_

**Shino**

He kept walking, pretending he didn't see his friend, pretending that everything was alright in the world, and that he didn't feel that strange feeling in his stomach, that feeling of wrongness, that he shouldn't be doing this, that he should still be with him, that he shouldn't walk by him like he didn't exist.

He pretended that he didn't hear that tiny sound leave Kiba's mouth, although it drew his eyes, but how could Kiba see, when his eyes were hidden from the world, and no one could see them? But he still pretended that Kiba wasn't there, even though he was most definitely sitting on that concrete bench, looking lost and forlorn, like he wanted to end it all just to make all the stupid things he had done go away…but he couldn't. And wouldn't. Because Kiba was strong in a way that he was not, and he would keep going until he physically could not, and for that he was proud of his friend, and he felt even worse about the condition he was leaving him in.

But he kept walking, pretending that everything was alright in this messed up world, pretending that he hadn't broken his best friend's heart, pretending hat he didn't care, and pretending he didn't feel that feeling of wrongness in his stomach, growing so big that he felt he would drown in it, for he knew it was wrong to deny his friend, wrong to pretend that he didn't feel the same way, and wrong to pretend that he didn't feel the wrongness. But he did anyways, so the feeling grew, but if he pretended it wasn't there, surely it wouldn't be? But it was.

As he walked silently past Kiba, in the few seconds that elapsed, he felt that his friend's gaze didn't leave him for a moment, saw his right hand rise ever-so-slightly, as if to grab out for him. But he pretended he didn't see it, and pretended he didn't hear that wounded whimper, which could have been mistaken for his name. So he kept walking, walking away from his one chance to make things right.

**Leave me out with the waste,  
****This is not what I do.  
****It's the wrong kind of place  
****To be cheating on you.  
****It's the wrong time,  
****She's pulling me through.  
****It's a small crime,  
****And I've got no excuse…**

He rounded the nearest corner, desperate to be out of the other's gaze, for he was sure that Kiba had not taken his eyes off of him, but he would pretend that Kiba wasn't there, and if Kiba wasn't there, then he couldn't be staring like that, yet he wished he could stop pretending that Kiba wasn't there, so that he could return that gaze and not feel in the slightest uncomfortable. But he _was_ pretending, and since he was, he couldn't do that one thing, so he could only keep walking as the feeling of wrongness in him grew. And he wished, as he turned that corner, that he could stop pretending all together and make things right.

**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright?  
****Is that alright with you?**

**Kiba**

He watched his friend walk away, and his hand dropped a little. He regretted raising it in the first place. He watched as Shino turned the corner, not looking back, not even a glance. He regretted coming here, to this place.

And as the rain poured on, fresh and clear and cold, it was mixed with salty tears, barely noticed and barely acknowledged, running down his face and onto the ground where they got lost in a sea of fresh water, tainting it with their bitter touch.

He regretted crying, showing his weakness. But to whom it would show was a mystery, for there was no longer anyone in that lonely walkway except for him and his regrets.

He could not longer stay there, with his terrible thoughts his only company, so he stood and started to walk at a terribly slow pace. Not in the direction that Shino had come in, no. Although his body was screaming at him to turn around and walk that way, away from Shino, his mind wouldn't let it. So he kept walking, the battle within his body causing him to stumble often in the rain. He placed his right hand on the stone bricks of the 3-foot-wall, dragging it along with him and his regrets at that slow pace.

**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright? Yeah…  
****Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
**_(Is that alright? Yeah…)  
_**Is that alright?  
****Is that alright with you?**

**Shino**

Before he took more than five paces away from the intersecting pathways, he felt a terrible guilt rise within him that he could not pretend was not there, for even in the downpour of the rain, he could still hear his friend crying softly, quietly. And he could not pretend that it was not there, for it filled his ears. He could not pretend that the guilt was not there either, because it was so powerful that it swallowed his entire being and made him take a few steps back where he hit the wall. He slid down it until he was sitting with his knees up to his chest, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands at his ears trying to make his friend's sobs go away, trying to pretend that they weren't there. But they were and would not leave, try as he might.

And his feelings fought with each other, his guilt with his pride. Because surely, if anyone found out he harbored feelings for Kiba the would shun him, give him those dirty looks they saved for those who were different, and whisper behind his back. But he would still hear what they say. Queer. Faggot boy. Violation of nature. Those kinds of things.

But Kiba was his best friend. Perhaps he could become something more. It didn't matter what those people said. Love was love, no matter the gender.

He…he could stop pretending and make things right. Or he could continue to pretend and ruin their already mangled friendship, doomed to be eaten by his guilt and that wrong feeling.

A scream tore through the air, a terrible howl that didn't sound human, but it must be, for what kind of animal could make that horrible a sound?

He jumped to his feet and ran out into the open, away from the road he had turned onto, to the middle of the walkway.

And he saw something he never thought he would hold witness to.

**Kiba**

Sick of his regrets and his misery. He couldn't hold it in. He dropped to his knees, his hands placed firmly on the ground, and he let the tears fall freely, a few landing on his outstretched hands, only to be washed away by the rain, as it ran through his hair and dripped onto the ground, ran in rivulets down his neck.

He couldn't take these feelings anymore, bottled up inside of him where no one could see them. He could feel them all at once, yet they were strangely separated, and he could discern them.

Hate: For himself for being such a brash fool.

Anger: At himself for doing such a stupid thing.

Regret: He regretted doing it, telling Shino his feelings.

Sadness: Because Shino didn't feel the same way.

Pain: He was hurt that all of this had happened.

And finally, it became too much for him.

So he screamed.

Long, hard and loud, letting out all of his emotions, and no one could hear him over the rain, for they were so very far away.

**Is that alright, yeah…  
**_Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
_**(Is that alright, yeah…)  
**_If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?  
_**(Is that alright, yeah…)  
**_Give my gun away when it's loaded.  
_**(Is that alright?)  
****Is that alright?  
**_**Is that alright with you?  
**__**No…**_

He screamed to the stone below him, for surely it wouldn't care? And he knew that he was losing his grip on sanity if he thought that an inanimate object could feel…

But screaming wasn't enough. Everything was just too strong.

He looked at the wall to his right, his anger and sadness coming to a peak. And then he felt a terrible pain in his left hand, and saw that it was bleeding. There was a hole in the wall.

But he didn't regret it. Not one bit.

All the same, he curled his arm to his stomach and continued to cry to the earth. He was oblivious to his surrounding, and had no idea how much time passed. Blood dripped to the ground, adding its metallic touch to his tears and the rain, but still he stayed kneeling there, supporting his weight with his right arm until he began to shake.

And suddenly, two feet stepped in front of him and stopped, and then only one foot and a gray-clad knee were there. He looked up slowly, not quite knowing what he was seeing. Until he saw the face of Aburame Shino.

And quietly, so quiet that it was barely audible over the rain, Shino spoke.

"I was afraid. I'm sorry, Kiba."

"Sh…Shino…" Kiba whispered, then feel into Shino's arms, embracing him.

"Please, forgive my actions. And maybe…maybe we can start something new…together?" Shino asked, sounding hesitant.

"Yes. Definitely. Shino…"

"Kiba."

And as the two embraced harder, they could forget that they were regretting and pretending, forget that they might not be accepted, forget everything but themselves, alone on that narrow walkway.

The rain poured on, and the shinobi and kunoichi in the market continued with their day, oblivious.

* * *

**Did the cheesiclicheness of it all kill you yet? No? Good. Yes, I know the ending was stupid. It was just really late...and I couldn't think of anything else that would fit. My bad. -.-;**

**I _was_ originally going to name it "9 Crimes" after the song, but then I decided that "Regret & Pretend? fit a little better. Yes, they have problems. No, I'm not inclined to call a therapist.**

**Did they seem too OOC? I mean, this is the first time I've ever written anything about them, and with their problems of "regretting" and "pretending" I was afraid they wouldn't seem like them anymore, especially how Kiba seemed so down on everything.**

**Anyways, I'd really appreciate it if you left a review and your thoughts, especially constructive critisism, because I _really_ need to improve. But hey, my sister's opinion of my writing is getting better. Just the other day she said it was "mediocre" instead of "it sucks." That makes me feel slightly better about it. I think.**

**Righto. I'm off.**

**evangelinefyre**


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